4/20- flaws

Flaws, by Bastille- When all of your flaws and all of my flaws are laid out one by one…

 

Just off the top of my head, here are my flaws:

  • I’m insecure, I care what people think
  • I’m way too shy
  • and loyal to a fault
  • sort of closed to new experiences and new people in general
  • laziness and procrastination
  • lack of motivation
  • sometimes moody/standoffish
  • I have my head in the clouds most of the time
  • I don’t work well with others
  • I’d rather be reading than making my own experiences
  • I’m passive aggressive- sometimes stubborn and sometimes I just don’t care

~the short awkward one x

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4/15- who I don’t want to be

We had an assembly today, and it was stupid and kind of a waste of time. But I hated the fact that people around me had blatant disrespect for those running the assembly. There were two girls who were being the hosts and one girl next to me kept talking over them basically for the sole purpose of disrespecting them. I mean, yeah, I didn’t like it either, but that doesn’t mean you just let people’s efforts go to waste. Like the assembly was lame, but that’s basically the definition of a high school assembly, and at least it kept moving without any pause, which if you think about it must have taken a lot of planning. I wanted to yell at that girl, because the thing is, I used to know her, and I’m pretty sure she could not have planned an assembly or even stood in front of the microphone and talked to more than 2000 people. I know for sure I couldn’t. When I was a freshman, I actually wanted to be friends with her, and she rejected me just to make herself feel good. I was so confused for the longest time why she wouldn’t be friends with me, and I can’t believe I honestly thought it was my fault. It was all her. She’s just plain mean, the type of bully that tries to build themselves up by pushing others down.

I never ever ever want to be like that. If there comes a day when I can’t appreciate effort, I’ll end up like her. So I’ll try and stay positive.

🙂

~the short awkward one

4/8- weekly playlist

Hey I’m currently on vacation but all of these songs are super super good and I’ve been listening to them all the time, so check them out if you want to-

  • War of Hearts, by Ruelle

  • Skiss 2 (Summer Heart Remix), by Alice Boman- ok so this song and the one above it were on this show called Shadowhunters which I’m totally obsessed with. It’s based on the Mortal Instruments books, and both the books and the show are amazing (the movie was eh.) It’s probably not for everyone but it definitely got better throughout the season so if you do try it, at least get to the second or third episode.
  • Cheap Thrills, by Sia
  • We Don’t Talk Anymore, by Charlie Puth ft. Selena Gomez
  • Dangerous Woman, by Ariana Grande
  • Wild Things, by Alessia Cara

~the short awkward one

4/2- mental health update

Over the last month, I’ve been okay. Not good, not bad, just okay. I’m still in pretty much the same situations, but unlike before when they were causing me to be anxious and have stress, now I just kind of feel nothing. I still sit by myself sometimes, I haven’t made new friends, I haven’t become better friends with anyone, I still can’t talk to guys, and the only real place I talk to people is here. But now I guess I’ve gotten used to it, and I’m just numb. That’s probably not super healthy, but I feel like it’s better than listening to super-sad music all the time.

Music, lots of TV, ice cream, blogging, photography, reading, and YouTube have been my escapes from reality. I also started trying to exercise a little while I watch TV, so maybe that’s been helping me?

The point is that right now I feel mentally better. But spring break is literally 4 days away so that probably contributes to some of it. Also school’s like actually getting hard, and I’m getting busier so I have less time to overanalyze my actions. So I’m just keeping my mind occupied. I will probably have some anxieties and some social awkwardness still, but I’m in a better mental place.

(or this numbness could be holding back all my emotions and ai’ll just have a huge emotional meltdown someday, like an erupting volcano. Now there’s a nice thought.)

~the short awkward one

3/30- my internal commentary

mini-rant: ok so there’s this guy in my Chem class who’s a total douche and everyone knows it. But anyway he always wears like super-fancy clothes, like Ralph Lauren and other crap, because it’s not enough to act like a jerk, you have to look like one too. I mean, obviously.

Some of the douchey things he does are making fun of people who get the answer wrong (even if he doesn’t know it) and making a big deal about “what if I don’t have a printer to print out the assignment?” Mmkay yeah tell that to your $200 shoes. Your outfit probably costs the same as my entire wardrobe, and I have a good amount of clothing.

Which isn’t to say that all your clothes have to be cheap or whatever, but seriously this is just high school. Unless he thinks expensive clothes can make up for his face combined with his attitude (it can’t) or he’s trying to impress people with his (aka his parents’) wealth.

And he tries to sell the clothes off his body to other people. He literally took off his sweatshirt and tried to sell it to some other guy for half the price apparently, like what even. It’s ridiculous, and what’s even weirder is that the guy actually considered buying it. Keep your clothes, no one wants them. And if you need to sell them off to people for the money, maybe you shouldn’t buy such expensive clothing.

So that’s basically what was going through my head for the entire period…

~the short awkward one

3/28-weekly playlist

Songs I’ve been loving this week:

  • Shadow Preachers, by Zella Day

  • Uncover, by Zara Larsson
  • Sum of Our Parts, by Mary Lambert
  • All Time Low, by Stacy Clark
  • Seventeen, by Alessia Cara
  • The Last Time, by Taylor Swift ft. Gary Lightbody
  • Young Blood, by Bea Miller
  • A Different Beat, by Little Mix

For some reason all of these are by women and only one features a guy. I definitely did listen to music with male singers, but these are the ones I was listening to pretty much every day this week. I think this may be better than a daily music post so I’ll try and do a weekly playlist from now on.

I only posted a link to the top one but the rest are pretty easy to find. Like I said, I’m in love with these songs so I really do hope you check these out! Enjoy 🙂

~the short awkward one

3/26-our uncultured youth

We drive our cars and grimace when we accidentally flip to the classical radio station

We sit in the audience of the Shakespeare play our teachers forced us to go to, in a desperate attempt to shove some culture into us, and all we can say is ‘This is so fucking boring’

We see art, but if it’s not aesthetically pleasing it doesn’t hold our interest for more than a second

All we’re concerned about is our pop culture, what we see on Twitter, Vine, and Instagram, the lives of celebrities who we’ll never meet, the games that professional athletes play

Because watching men running around a court or a field, chasing a ball, on the tiny screens of our smartphones is more important than learning a new language or viewing someone’s project that they spent hours preparing for

This is our uncultured youth.

~the short awkward one

(my blog is in a sad state of disarray just like my Spotify account and my entire life to be completely honest but yeah hopefully music is coming and also probably a pity party session too)

3/24-high school

In the morning, I see the girl whose life is perfect get ignored by her so-called friends,

In Chemistry, I see the “nice” girl say no to another girl asking to sit next to her,

At lunch, I hear the sarcastic boy, who normally doesn’t give a fuck, nervously practicing a speech,

In Photography, I watch the football players studying for the hardest college-level class in the school,

In the hallways, I hear rumors about the volleyball captain who smokes weed,

In French, I watch the teacher’s pet roll his eyes behind her back,

In the bathroom, I listen to the girl who’s always happy, crying about her grades,

At the talent show, I hear the baseball player sing and play piano,

After school, I see the boy, who’s called a slacker by everyone, in the library studying,

Everything is not what it seems.

 

~the short awkward ome

(yeah so this is a new thing and I know that my writing’s not the best but honestly this format is a lot faster to just write about my day. Music post probably going up later tonight, if not, then this weekend.)

3/21-misfits

We’re the ones you see all around you, earbuds in, heads down, silent

The ones you stay away from because you’re not quite sure what’s going through our heads

The ones who don’t seem to belong anywhere, sometimes at the edge of a group but nearly always alone

The ones who feel as though no one cares, and we’re probably right

Because why should you care

We’re not a part of your clique

You probably don’t even know our names, never mind that we’re in the same English class

The ones who’ve accepted it, we know that we don’t fit in

The ones who still try to conform to society’s norms, they’ll learn soon enough

We will always be the sharp edge, the piece of the puzzle sticking out, that one thing that you know is wrong but you can’t quite figure out what it is

We are the misfits.

 

 

~the short awkward one

(so this is isn’t going to happen a ton, I’m not much of a writer, but I hope that if you end up reading this you can relate)

3/14-it’s been a while

I’ve realized this blog has become less about music and more about me because I only feel the urge to write about my day when it’s been shit, and for the last week life has been holding steady at the “meh” level. Everything wasn’t perfect but it was pretty constant, you know? And then the last few days have just been getting progressively worse, like on Friday when it was my birthday but one of my friends who I consider one of the people I’m closest to, didn’t even tell me happy birthday over Facebook, and that just made me upset, like I don’t mean as much to her. And it’s, you know, that time of the month, and basically I’ve been eating large quantities of bread and pasta and chocolate and cake and I feel a teensy bit bloated. Not to mention that I tried to make a joke at dinner and then my dad made some snide comment about not joking about stuff I didn’t understand and I was like, Really? Just insult my intelligence, why don’t you? Of course I fucking understand, I’m just trying to be funny which I seriously don’t do that often. First you complain that I don’t talk at dinner, then when I do you make comments like that. Is it any wonder I don’t talk?

I’ll try and make some music posts hopefully this week. I’ve been offline for a while because school’s been super busy but I’ll make an effort to post more.

~the short awkward one