late-night rambles

{the true inner workings of my brain when I am sleep deprived and procrastinating and my mind is going a million miles a minute}


Ok so just trivial things I need to get my feelings out about today are social things that in the past would have made me really upset, but right now I just feel kind of detached and almost numb, the kind of numb that morbidly thinks about death and if I would even be missed by anyone other than my family.

I even had this weird daydream about being kidnapped and pretty much letting them kill me without a fight just to see if anyone would care afterward.

But the main thing is just Chemistry. I like the subject, in theory, the labs aren’t my favorite thing but I can deal. The problem is the actual class I have. Because my teacher has suddenly decided that we’re mature enough now to choose our own seats. And depending on the type of person you are and the people in your class, you either love this or hate this. And I’ve been on both sides. When I have friends in that class, I’m happy and I can go sit by them. But when that happens and in the chaos of rearranging I see those few people who don’t know anyone and they just sit there looking a little lost. Well that’s me in Chem now, and it’s probably karma tbh because I’m so passive that I never really helped those people out and now I’m one of them.

But this isn’t anything new really, I’ve never had a ton of friends so I often end up being by myself when we get to choose our seats. I just thought that by this time in high school, I’d have a few more friends.

So I’m dreading Chem on Monday because we have a lab and we have to work in lab groups and I don’t know how that’s going to work out for me, I’ll probably end up with a group of slackers and do all the work.

And I don’t want to be the one to complain about it because everyone would just get mad if we went back to assigned seats.

Another thing is that I’m trying to volunteer within a committee but the committee has its little subgroups within it and guess what, I’m not really part of any of those either so fun times

Oh and I still can’t talk to guys. That needs to be a goal, not like in a flirty way but just a friendly way because I can’t even do that without being super awkward. I should be okay with it since I have a younger brother but the difference is that I already know my brother so yeah

wow ok this is crap writing and language and this isn’t really helping, it’s only making me feel more numb…