2/23- a mess of confusing feelings

So it’s been a while… I haven’t really posted because life has been fine, until about 3 weeks ago when I just got a huge rush of random emotions that I’ve been attempting to juggle, and it’s been making me slightly insane. I wrote down some of what was in my head, just to try and figure it out, and honestly I’m still pretty confused. I’m just going to drop all my ramblings here. They’re really vague and long and slightly nonsensical to anyone outside my head, I’m sure, but maybe sending it into the world will help somewhat.

Prepare to take a long journey into the craziness that is my headspace. Enjoy. ~the short awkward one

Okay this messiness has been fun but can I please get rid of my teenagery hormones now k thx bye

hi. i don’t know you and you don’t know me. i maybe said two words to you once. but you were nice to me, and me being me i decided to like you, secretly, and what that means is that i imagined conversations. is that weird? i just wanted to like someone, anyone, so badly that my mind jumped to the very first guy who was just being friendly to me. all i want is to stay up late until 2 a.m. having deep conversations about life and to hold hands and write sappy instagram posts on anniversaries and v-day and hug and have someone think i’m good enough? i think i’m a little insane, i feel like i am right now. i probably don’t like you. this was stupid.

confused lonely conflicted terrified heartsick nervous stupid awkward jealous scared pathetic unsure irrational petty worried dissatisfied insecure stressed anxious

HOW CAN NO ONE SEE THAT I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO GODDAMN LISTEN TO ME AND MY PETTY LITTLE PROBLEMS THAT I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR HOURS SO CAN SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME VENT AND I EVEN CONTEMPLATED RANDOM ONLINE STRANGERS BEFORE I REALIZED THAT THEY WOULD HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT MY SITUATION SO REALLY I JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME LIKE A FRIEND EXCEPT OH WAIT I DON’T HAVE ANY OF THOSE WHICH IS WHY I’M INTERNALLY SCREAMING PLS GOD

eyes are the windows to the soul
but my eyes can never meet yours
i’m afraid that you’ll see my soul
and leave

Did you even notice? My eyes never met yours because I was scared of I don’t know what. My mouth couldn’t form words because I was scared of I don’t know what. And so I stayed silent hoping to force you to shut up for a second and let me think and get a word in edgewise, but you just kept going so i gave up and kept my mouth shut. Does silence make you uncomfortable? Why do i even care? I shouldn’t and I’m not sure if i do or if my mind is playing weird tricks on me. And i want to know what you think. Do you think I’m shy and awkward or that I just don’t want to talk to you or that you make me uncomfortable? Only one of those things isn’t true. You make me uncomfortable but I genuinely do want to talk to you, I’m just not sure what to say or how to say it and it’ll have to wait until I get used to you and am able to predict your responses. And by then it’ll probably be too late anyway.

It has now become apparent to me that I’m losing my mind.

I’ve been waiting for you for years and years. I can see you in my mind’s eye, I swear- a vague half-formed idea- and though I haven’t actively sought you out, I grow tired of waiting.

What’s wrong with me? Two weeks ago i spent an entire day obsessing, debating with myself over whether i actually liked you or if i was idealizing you- if i became so convinced that i had to fix myself that i jumped into having a crush on someone i don’t really know and probably don’t even like. Because, i kept wondering, what’s wrong with me that i don’t like anyone? And now i wonder, what’s wrong with me that i can’t even tell if i like you? I’ll be honest, it took me almost 24 hours to decide that i was idealizing you, because i actually never had a conversation with you- because i can’t actually talk to guys- because i feel like i don’t relate to them- or because in fifth grade i decided that because of one boy, all boys were stupid. And all tall people were terrifying. And you’re a boy, and you’re tall, and i’ve never talked to you because i’m painfully awkward and i can’t, and i don’t even know whether or not i like you, and what i’m trying to say is that i’m incredibly confused and i was hoping that i could work through these stupid feelings but all i’ve done is confused myself further.

Fourth grade angry rant time- aka what i would say to a.h.
WHAT THE HELL. Seriously. Why the fuck would you do that to me? Do you know how screwed-up I am because of that? You probably don’t even remember, do you? What happened is that you were an idiot who made me cry. Twice. For LITERALLY NO REASON. I never did anything to you, I had no friends, I might have showed off a little in class but for the most part I kept to myself. And I could have excused you for the first time. I may have been oversensitive, embarrassed that I hit myself- don’t get me wrong, it was definitely your fault, but sure, okay, you may not have predicted that response. And it would have been fine if that were the only time. It would have taken me a while but eventually, yes, I would have gotten over it. But it wasn’t the only time because you FUCKING DID IT AGAIN and you made me cry AGAIN and you don’t care what happened next but I’m going to tell you anyway. What happened was that I decided that guys my age were satan’s spawn and i didn’t want to talk to guys until like last year, like 11th grade. It took me 7 freaking years to even want to talk to guys, and at this point I can no longer really talk to guys my age. I have no guy friends my age which isn’t normal, to say the least. I’m straight but I can’t hold a conversation with a guy and I’m probably never going on a date ever. And you also freaked me out about tall people holding things out of my reach. Seriously i’ve met tall people who are the nicest people ever and i can’t help but be a little freaked out and extra awkward around them. So thanks a lot for all of this social awkwardness. (yes, i’m blaming you. I wouldn’t have these issues in the first place if it weren’t for you, and as far as fixing myself goes? It’s none of your business, but I’m working on it.)

10/30-TV!!

It’s 1am and I actually do want to go to sleep, but I drank a giant bubble tea this morning and apparently I’m still caffeinated. And so I decided that this was the oerfect time to write about all the shows I’ve been watching. Here they are, in no particular order:

  • Arrow/The Flash/DC’s Legends of Tomorrow/Supergirl- I spent a month binge-watching these over the summer, all 4 seasons of Arrow, 2 of the Flash, 1 of Legends and 1 of Supergirl. I LOVE THESE SHOWS. (Supergirl did get a little repetitive after a while, but this year it’s so much better. And let’s just not talk about Arrow Season 4.) I haven’t read any of the comic books, so I had no backstory whatsoever when I started watching, but they’re the greatest.
  • The Big Bang Theory– I mean, everyone probably knows about this show. But I’ve been watching it for years now and it’s still hilarious.
  • Modern Family- see above description.
  • The Good Place- It’s new, funny and fluffy. Basically this one woman gets into heaven even though she wasn’t a great person, and chaos ensues.
  • Superstore– a group of quirky employees works at a big box store just go through the randomest day-to-day issues.
  • Timeless- I just started watching it! I think I like it because it’s like a realistic Legends of Tomorrow situation, where they time travel to save history. Also I’m pretty positive that the historian and the soldier are going to end up together. From episode 1. It seems pretty obvious.

Shows I’m looking forward to: Shadowhunters season 2, Stitchers season 3 (they just got renewed!!) and not really a show, but the big crossover event between the four DC shows is going to be epic.

~the short awkward one

3/24-high school

In the morning, I see the girl whose life is perfect get ignored by her so-called friends,

In Chemistry, I see the “nice” girl say no to another girl asking to sit next to her,

At lunch, I hear the sarcastic boy, who normally doesn’t give a fuck, nervously practicing a speech,

In Photography, I watch the football players studying for the hardest college-level class in the school,

In the hallways, I hear rumors about the volleyball captain who smokes weed,

In French, I watch the teacher’s pet roll his eyes behind her back,

In the bathroom, I listen to the girl who’s always happy, crying about her grades,

At the talent show, I hear the baseball player sing and play piano,

After school, I see the boy, who’s called a slacker by everyone, in the library studying,

Everything is not what it seems.

 

~the short awkward ome

(yeah so this is a new thing and I know that my writing’s not the best but honestly this format is a lot faster to just write about my day. Music post probably going up later tonight, if not, then this weekend.)

3/21-misfits

We’re the ones you see all around you, earbuds in, heads down, silent

The ones you stay away from because you’re not quite sure what’s going through our heads

The ones who don’t seem to belong anywhere, sometimes at the edge of a group but nearly always alone

The ones who feel as though no one cares, and we’re probably right

Because why should you care

We’re not a part of your clique

You probably don’t even know our names, never mind that we’re in the same English class

The ones who’ve accepted it, we know that we don’t fit in

The ones who still try to conform to society’s norms, they’ll learn soon enough

We will always be the sharp edge, the piece of the puzzle sticking out, that one thing that you know is wrong but you can’t quite figure out what it is

We are the misfits.

 

 

~the short awkward one

(so this is isn’t going to happen a ton, I’m not much of a writer, but I hope that if you end up reading this you can relate)

2/28-dreampop

Is this an actual genre of music? If so it’s probably my favorite. I recently made a playlist of songs I thought were “dreampop” so here’s some of them:

  • Roses, by The Chainsmokers ft. ROZES. This song has been stuck in my head for days and days and it’s SO GOOD. It’s like alternative with electronic and pop elements, but I just called it dreampop…
  • push and pull, by purity ring. The singer’s voice is higher, but this and Roses sound pretty similar.
  • YOUTH, by Troye Sivan. I’ve gushed about him and this song a whole bunch, but the music video came out a few days ago!!! Here it is-

Yay 🙂

~the short awkward one

1/7- Sia

Sia’s been releasing a bunch of cool new music lately! The most recent song came out today and it’s called Reaper and it’s SO GOOD. Apparently it was originally written for Rihanna but I love it the way it is, and I can’t wait for Sia’s new album, This is Acting.

She’s got a really original voice and image, with the hiding her face thing (but if you look her up, you can still see pics online.) I just looked her up, she’s classified as pop, but it’s definitely a different kind of pop, if you know what I mean. Her voice isn’t super smooth like basically everyone else’s, the natural tone of her voice is kind of raw.

Here are my favorite songs of hers, both old and new:

  • The most recent, Reaper-

  • Breathe Me
  • Elastic Heart
  • She Wolf, by David Guetta ft. Sia
  • Golden, by Travie McCoy ft. Sia
  • Alive
  • Chandelier
  • Bang My Head, by David Guetta ft. Sia and Fetty Wap
  • Titanium, by David Guetta ft. Sia (this partnership is the best.)

~the short awkward one

1/1-new year

WARNING: The following blog post contains a little whining, some repetitiveness, a good deal of self-pity and a lot of random tangents. Props to you if you read it (even more if you understood it). This post does not contain music because I am tired as hell and can’t seem to bother.

It is now officially past midnight and it’s the new year. I just heard fireworks going off when I took off my headphones. I feel kind of pathetic right now because I was just sitting here reading and listening to music alone in my room when I’m sure normal people my age went out and to other people’s houses and watched the ball drop and were social.

Music-wise, 2015 was amazing. Tons of good albums and new artists that I like and amazing songs, and I really hope 2016 is just as good in that department.

Social-wise, this year was shit. I figured out that I probably have some sort of social anxiety and of course I don’t want to have it, but I don’t know how to make it stop or go away. I just want to be a normal, social person but it seems more difficult for me than it is for other people. Everyone else knows that they’ve got a group of friends that they can absolutely count on and I haven’t even got one person who would put me in their list of Top 10 friends. And a normal person would say to just get off my butt and go out and just make friends. It’s not that easy, because when I meet new people I don’t make eye contact and I’m kind of closed off and it stresses me out inside to find anything in common with them and it generally ends up being awkward  because I feel like they don’t want me there. And this insecurity has always been there ever since middle school. I’m needy, insecure, introverted, socially awkward and I look and sound like a 12 year old. Yeah, who doesn’t want that kind of friend?

It’s just how I am. I don’t like it either, but I can’t fix myself. 

Ugh this doesn’t even make sense. Maybe I should just try and make myself into an emotionless robot, then I won’t stress out about this stuff as much. Wow that made no sense either, I’m useless right now.

So basically I hope in the new year there’s a lot of great music and maybe someday I’ll magically overcome my awkwardness. Or maybe I’ll magically meet a friend who can tolerate my awkwardness and insecurities.

Yeah right.

Anyway, good riddance, 2015. Hopefully 2016 won’t be any worse.

~the short awkward one

 

12/8-hello again

TROYE SIVAN WAS ON THE TONIGHT SHOW HOLY CRAP HE’S MADE IT

Yes I know I literally just posted like an hour ago but then I watched this video and I just had to. I’m obsessed with Troye Sivan and especially with this song and he killed the vocals and his dancing was adorable and I just had to post this because this needs to be a part of everyone’s life-

 

He’s amazing and adorable and pretty much perfect.

12/4- blue neighborhood

TROYE SIVAN’S ALBUM BLUE NEIGHBORHOOD IS OUT NOW AND I’M DYING

  • LOST BOY, by Troye Sivan. The title of this one instantly drew me in and it’s perfect- it totally fits his style. I’m just a lost boy/Not ready to be found.
  • BLUE, by Troye Sivan ft. Alex Hope. I want you/I’ll colour me blue/Anything it takes to make you stay. Amazing lyrics, and their voices together sound so good.
  • HEAVEN, by Troye Sivan ft. Betty Who. Without losing a piece of me/how do I get to heaven? Again, their voices sound fantastic together. I mean, it’s Troye Sivan, so obviously it’s going to be great but her voice is really nice too.

  • SUBURBIA, by Troye Sivan. I have no words for how perfect this is.

Since it just came out, there’s no music/lyrics videos yet, but I highly recommend listening to the whole album, or if not, at least these songs. I’ll put in a few teaser videos though.

~the short awkward one

11/28-lazy

I’ve been lazy this entire weekend but it’s socially acceptable for once since it’s a holiday. And that’s why I’ve only got two songs today, because I’m too lazy to find a song that matches these two. But they’re really really good ones, and if you haven’t heard them before, you should give them a listen-

  • Youth, by Troye Sivan. Yay for his new music, I’m so excited to hear his album! This song just gives me happy feelings.

  • Outlaws, by Alessia Cara. She’s one of my new favorites, her voice is amazing and so are her lyrics. I think this song appeals to me because it sounds a little like a Meghan Trainor song, but with Alessia Cara’s voice.

Both of these songs are kind of about running away, but they make it sound nice and fun like roadtrips and chasing sunsets.

~the short awkward one

p.s. s/o to me for not making this a pity party lol