2/23- a mess of confusing feelings

So it’s been a while… I haven’t really posted because life has been fine, until about 3 weeks ago when I just got a huge rush of random emotions that I’ve been attempting to juggle, and it’s been making me slightly insane. I wrote down some of what was in my head, just to try and figure it out, and honestly I’m still pretty confused. I’m just going to drop all my ramblings here. They’re really vague and long and slightly nonsensical to anyone outside my head, I’m sure, but maybe sending it into the world will help somewhat.

Prepare to take a long journey into the craziness that is my headspace. Enjoy. ~the short awkward one

Okay this messiness has been fun but can I please get rid of my teenagery hormones now k thx bye

hi. i don’t know you and you don’t know me. i maybe said two words to you once. but you were nice to me, and me being me i decided to like you, secretly, and what that means is that i imagined conversations. is that weird? i just wanted to like someone, anyone, so badly that my mind jumped to the very first guy who was just being friendly to me. all i want is to stay up late until 2 a.m. having deep conversations about life and to hold hands and write sappy instagram posts on anniversaries and v-day and hug and have someone think i’m good enough? i think i’m a little insane, i feel like i am right now. i probably don’t like you. this was stupid.

confused lonely conflicted terrified heartsick nervous stupid awkward jealous scared pathetic unsure irrational petty worried dissatisfied insecure stressed anxious

HOW CAN NO ONE SEE THAT I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO GODDAMN LISTEN TO ME AND MY PETTY LITTLE PROBLEMS THAT I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR HOURS SO CAN SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME VENT AND I EVEN CONTEMPLATED RANDOM ONLINE STRANGERS BEFORE I REALIZED THAT THEY WOULD HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT MY SITUATION SO REALLY I JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME LIKE A FRIEND EXCEPT OH WAIT I DON’T HAVE ANY OF THOSE WHICH IS WHY I’M INTERNALLY SCREAMING PLS GOD

eyes are the windows to the soul
but my eyes can never meet yours
i’m afraid that you’ll see my soul
and leave

Did you even notice? My eyes never met yours because I was scared of I don’t know what. My mouth couldn’t form words because I was scared of I don’t know what. And so I stayed silent hoping to force you to shut up for a second and let me think and get a word in edgewise, but you just kept going so i gave up and kept my mouth shut. Does silence make you uncomfortable? Why do i even care? I shouldn’t and I’m not sure if i do or if my mind is playing weird tricks on me. And i want to know what you think. Do you think I’m shy and awkward or that I just don’t want to talk to you or that you make me uncomfortable? Only one of those things isn’t true. You make me uncomfortable but I genuinely do want to talk to you, I’m just not sure what to say or how to say it and it’ll have to wait until I get used to you and am able to predict your responses. And by then it’ll probably be too late anyway.

It has now become apparent to me that I’m losing my mind.

I’ve been waiting for you for years and years. I can see you in my mind’s eye, I swear- a vague half-formed idea- and though I haven’t actively sought you out, I grow tired of waiting.

What’s wrong with me? Two weeks ago i spent an entire day obsessing, debating with myself over whether i actually liked you or if i was idealizing you- if i became so convinced that i had to fix myself that i jumped into having a crush on someone i don’t really know and probably don’t even like. Because, i kept wondering, what’s wrong with me that i don’t like anyone? And now i wonder, what’s wrong with me that i can’t even tell if i like you? I’ll be honest, it took me almost 24 hours to decide that i was idealizing you, because i actually never had a conversation with you- because i can’t actually talk to guys- because i feel like i don’t relate to them- or because in fifth grade i decided that because of one boy, all boys were stupid. And all tall people were terrifying. And you’re a boy, and you’re tall, and i’ve never talked to you because i’m painfully awkward and i can’t, and i don’t even know whether or not i like you, and what i’m trying to say is that i’m incredibly confused and i was hoping that i could work through these stupid feelings but all i’ve done is confused myself further.

Fourth grade angry rant time- aka what i would say to a.h.
WHAT THE HELL. Seriously. Why the fuck would you do that to me? Do you know how screwed-up I am because of that? You probably don’t even remember, do you? What happened is that you were an idiot who made me cry. Twice. For LITERALLY NO REASON. I never did anything to you, I had no friends, I might have showed off a little in class but for the most part I kept to myself. And I could have excused you for the first time. I may have been oversensitive, embarrassed that I hit myself- don’t get me wrong, it was definitely your fault, but sure, okay, you may not have predicted that response. And it would have been fine if that were the only time. It would have taken me a while but eventually, yes, I would have gotten over it. But it wasn’t the only time because you FUCKING DID IT AGAIN and you made me cry AGAIN and you don’t care what happened next but I’m going to tell you anyway. What happened was that I decided that guys my age were satan’s spawn and i didn’t want to talk to guys until like last year, like 11th grade. It took me 7 freaking years to even want to talk to guys, and at this point I can no longer really talk to guys my age. I have no guy friends my age which isn’t normal, to say the least. I’m straight but I can’t hold a conversation with a guy and I’m probably never going on a date ever. And you also freaked me out about tall people holding things out of my reach. Seriously i’ve met tall people who are the nicest people ever and i can’t help but be a little freaked out and extra awkward around them. So thanks a lot for all of this social awkwardness. (yes, i’m blaming you. I wouldn’t have these issues in the first place if it weren’t for you, and as far as fixing myself goes? It’s none of your business, but I’m working on it.)

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10/27- I’m alive (kinda)

Hey guess what I’m back-

I thought I no longer needed to write out my thoughts but I was very very wrong. Turns out school is a lot more anxiety-inducing than I remember. So yeah. Here I am. Only kind of alive, because honestly I feel kind of dead inside? Like I just checked my English grade and I have a C in participation and now I’m scared I’m going to fail because I’m too stupid and insecure to freaking raise my hand. And also I have about 3 friends. I’m not even kidding, there are only three people that I’m always comfortable talking to. I spend a lot of time alone. I have three classes where I don’t know anyone, so I basically am silent half of the day. College apps are stressing me out. My procrastination is worse as ever. And I’m very very sleep deprived, as evidenced by this babbling.

The only good things in my life right now are food, music, TV and photography. Like actually tho. And my family life is good too.

But my life’s a mess and my room’s a mess and as always, my brain is messier than those two combined.

Also I’ve forgotten how to write. Forgive me, it’s been 4 months.

~the short awkward one

(as short and awkward as ever. Don’t worry, that hasn’t and will probably never change.)

6/5- I can’t turn my brain off

I’m lying here in bed, it’s 11:32, and I have to get up at 6:00 tomorrow for school. But my brain just is not shutting off. Normally my remedy for this would be music, but for whatever reason I don’t seem to want to. It’s probably because I stayed up the last two nights and now my schedule is off or whatever, but you’d think my brain would know and I could somehow send a message to myself to STOP THINKING AND GO TO SLEEP.

Now, it probably doesn’t help that I’ve just been doing some logic puzzles and exercising my brain, or that I actually have some homework that I’m still procrastinating on (which would be a good use of this time, but I really don’t want to get out of bed). I really should do it, but I have a lot of free period time tomorrow, so I guess I don’t need to? I’m just being indecesive here but I’ll most likely be doing that once I finish writing this.

I’ve been unbelievably mopey these last few weeks, but to be honest I don’t think anyone saw that, because I kept it all inside and people don’t pay much attention to me anyway. And fair warning, I’m anticipating a lot of moody posts later in the summer, since we’re visiting family in another country (I’ll probably have an entire post about this, but the short list is 1- the only person who speaks the same language there is my immediate family, 2- I’m a pretty healthy eater which makes it hard for me to find food, and 3- I’ll meet relatives whose names and faces I don’t remember because I only see them every couple years, plus the aforementioned language barrier.) So I have a feeling I’ll be pretty fricking miserable.

But that’ll be in a few months. What I’m thinking about now is Relay for Life, which is next weekend. Basically it’s a 24(ish) hour fundraiser where you get in teams and walk around the track and sleep in tents and stuff. It’s supposed to be a fun time, except for the fact that I’m not on a team. It’s all about the team, and I’ll probably just end up sitting in a corner somewhere (I’m not really planning on sleeping.) because I’m an individual participant (aka I have no friends.) (well I mean yes I do have friends but they’re all on this one team and I of course am not) (ok you know those like stereotypical popular kids you always want to join and you do until you don’t know any better? Yeah this is sort of maybe the same situation except they’re nice enough to me and it’s not exactly elitist but they wouldn’t really let me on their team even though I know half the members) (and it’s not like I’m blaming them exactly because the fact is that I don’t know the other half of the team, but it wasn’t a fun feeling to have.) (they’re all in honors/ap everything and I guess I’m just…not. That seems like a silly thing to base it off of, so it could also be that I’m pretty boring and not very much fun.) (now I’m doing that pathetic thing where I analyze what I might have done wrong. Ugh.)

…So that happened. Didn’t exactly mean to write all of that, but it’s out there now. The point is that I’m probably going to be alone for long periods of time and I’ll probably end up being upset about it.

Hey, I think this worked at putting me to sleep at least! That was exhausting-going through all my little feelings and anxieties, but it helped.

~the short awkward one

ps they’re the type of girls who are confident that they are always right. They’re the overachievers, and then there’s me. No wonder.

pps I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO STOP THINKING.

 

 

6/2-viciously tired

I am so, so ridiculously tired. Of everything, all the big things like college application (ew) and the little things (like how all my friends have better friends than I do). I feel like one of these days I’m going to explode in a flood of tears about all of this. I’m just tired of life, but not in a suicidal way. Although I have had some morbid fantasies about my own death, but those are mainly imagining who outisde my immediate family would miss me. I can’t imagine that there would be many. 3, maybe.

I’m not exaggerating here. It’s really, really difficult for me to make new friends. Take Chemistry class, for instance. It’s been a year and I haven’t made any friends in that class, and since there’s only like 8 days left of school I doubt I’ll make any. So no, I can’t just “make new friends” if I’m feeling lonely.

I thought I had a clear idea for this post but I don’t. Apparently I’m more miserable than I thought.

~the short awkward one

6/1- here i am

I haven’t been writing here for 2 reasons: 1) I’ve been super busy and 2) I thought I no longer needed to. Originally I started thise because I kept getting really upset about everything and I needed a place to vent about it so I wouldn’t explode, but lately I’ve been fine, like things didn’t affect me that much anymore. But hey, guess what happened today? You know how two people will start talking about some group thing they’re going to do but it’s really awkward because you’re literally right there and they already kind of know that you haven’t been invited (they’re not totally sure but they can make an educated guess) and so every once in a while they’ll just send you a pitying glance- *internally screams*

Yeah. That happened.

So much for me being impervious, huh?

~the short awkward one

5/16- done af

AP tests are over, but I’ve still got a lot of stuff to do that I’m currently procrastinating on by writing this.

I feel oddly detached from everything. Like what would normally have caused me to freak out, now feels like it’s happening through a layer of glass. What’s the cure for this? Because as much as I used to wish I could turn off my emotions, I didn’t mean permanently.

So since I feel like nothing has actually happened to me, this is basically a pointless post…

Like okay, how about this. Literally 2 minutes ago I was FB stalking two of my ex-friends (which honestly sounds pathetic) (and if I had been doing this a year ago I would most likely have been crying) but then I noticed just how many spelling errors there were. And that’s when I realized: I may not be popular and I may be the most insecure human being to ever walk the planet, but compared to them, I’m probably the one who’s going to end up at a better university. Because prettiness and popularity only matter in high school (and maybe college) but the point is that the intelligent are the ones who will end up running the world. Not to say that I’m intelligent, but I would definitely say that I’m  a little higher on the scale.

~the short awkward one

p.s. I’m literally falling asleep while writing this so if there are any errors or if this offends anyone I’m sorry, this is just me throwing my thiughts out there,

 

5/11- it’s been a while…

I know it’s been a while since I last posted, but this is the time when everything starts to get really busy and rushed. Teachers try to cram in everything they haven’t taught yet while students are forced to take standardized tests to measure our learning.

And I admit I’m really only posting because I feel weird. Just different than normal somehow. Probably my teenagery hormones. I’m breaking out  and it looks like my face has chicken pox, my sleep cycles are way way off, and once again I’m starting to overreact about every little thing.

One particular overreaction is that whenever my friend doesn’t seem to want to do something with me, she thinks I’m too clingy. And what’s crazier is that I went into this whole scenario in my head where she accused me of being gay for her. Which is nuts, right? I know she knows I’m straight (I think), but why is my brain thinking about this?

Maybe because I have no evidence that suggests I’m straight. I mean, I can’t even talk to guys outside of class. But then again, there’s no evidence that I’m not straight either. Another friend and I were talking about this a while ago and she told me it sounded like I was asexual, which sounds about right. Except for the part where I fangirl over every cute guy on TV. Do asexual people do that?

This was all mindless babble, but I didn’t realize how much I missed this.

~the short awkward one

p.s. But isn’t it great that we’ve reached a point in our culture where we can talk about these things freely? Not just gay vs. straight but sexuality in general. I’m told that where I live is actually just a progressive pocket of the US and not everywhere is like here, but the west coast in general is pretty open about this.

4/20- flaws

Flaws, by Bastille- When all of your flaws and all of my flaws are laid out one by one…

 

Just off the top of my head, here are my flaws:

  • I’m insecure, I care what people think
  • I’m way too shy
  • and loyal to a fault
  • sort of closed to new experiences and new people in general
  • laziness and procrastination
  • lack of motivation
  • sometimes moody/standoffish
  • I have my head in the clouds most of the time
  • I don’t work well with others
  • I’d rather be reading than making my own experiences
  • I’m passive aggressive- sometimes stubborn and sometimes I just don’t care

~the short awkward one x

4/15- who I don’t want to be

We had an assembly today, and it was stupid and kind of a waste of time. But I hated the fact that people around me had blatant disrespect for those running the assembly. There were two girls who were being the hosts and one girl next to me kept talking over them basically for the sole purpose of disrespecting them. I mean, yeah, I didn’t like it either, but that doesn’t mean you just let people’s efforts go to waste. Like the assembly was lame, but that’s basically the definition of a high school assembly, and at least it kept moving without any pause, which if you think about it must have taken a lot of planning. I wanted to yell at that girl, because the thing is, I used to know her, and I’m pretty sure she could not have planned an assembly or even stood in front of the microphone and talked to more than 2000 people. I know for sure I couldn’t. When I was a freshman, I actually wanted to be friends with her, and she rejected me just to make herself feel good. I was so confused for the longest time why she wouldn’t be friends with me, and I can’t believe I honestly thought it was my fault. It was all her. She’s just plain mean, the type of bully that tries to build themselves up by pushing others down.

I never ever ever want to be like that. If there comes a day when I can’t appreciate effort, I’ll end up like her. So I’ll try and stay positive.

🙂

~the short awkward one

4/2- mental health update

Over the last month, I’ve been okay. Not good, not bad, just okay. I’m still in pretty much the same situations, but unlike before when they were causing me to be anxious and have stress, now I just kind of feel nothing. I still sit by myself sometimes, I haven’t made new friends, I haven’t become better friends with anyone, I still can’t talk to guys, and the only real place I talk to people is here. But now I guess I’ve gotten used to it, and I’m just numb. That’s probably not super healthy, but I feel like it’s better than listening to super-sad music all the time.

Music, lots of TV, ice cream, blogging, photography, reading, and YouTube have been my escapes from reality. I also started trying to exercise a little while I watch TV, so maybe that’s been helping me?

The point is that right now I feel mentally better. But spring break is literally 4 days away so that probably contributes to some of it. Also school’s like actually getting hard, and I’m getting busier so I have less time to overanalyze my actions. So I’m just keeping my mind occupied. I will probably have some anxieties and some social awkwardness still, but I’m in a better mental place.

(or this numbness could be holding back all my emotions and ai’ll just have a huge emotional meltdown someday, like an erupting volcano. Now there’s a nice thought.)

~the short awkward one