2/23- a mess of confusing feelings

So it’s been a while… I haven’t really posted because life has been fine, until about 3 weeks ago when I just got a huge rush of random emotions that I’ve been attempting to juggle, and it’s been making me slightly insane. I wrote down some of what was in my head, just to try and figure it out, and honestly I’m still pretty confused. I’m just going to drop all my ramblings here. They’re really vague and long and slightly nonsensical to anyone outside my head, I’m sure, but maybe sending it into the world will help somewhat.

Prepare to take a long journey into the craziness that is my headspace. Enjoy. ~the short awkward one

Okay this messiness has been fun but can I please get rid of my teenagery hormones now k thx bye

hi. i don’t know you and you don’t know me. i maybe said two words to you once. but you were nice to me, and me being me i decided to like you, secretly, and what that means is that i imagined conversations. is that weird? i just wanted to like someone, anyone, so badly that my mind jumped to the very first guy who was just being friendly to me. all i want is to stay up late until 2 a.m. having deep conversations about life and to hold hands and write sappy instagram posts on anniversaries and v-day and hug and have someone think i’m good enough? i think i’m a little insane, i feel like i am right now. i probably don’t like you. this was stupid.

confused lonely conflicted terrified heartsick nervous stupid awkward jealous scared pathetic unsure irrational petty worried dissatisfied insecure stressed anxious

HOW CAN NO ONE SEE THAT I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO GODDAMN LISTEN TO ME AND MY PETTY LITTLE PROBLEMS THAT I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR HOURS SO CAN SOMEONE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME VENT AND I EVEN CONTEMPLATED RANDOM ONLINE STRANGERS BEFORE I REALIZED THAT THEY WOULD HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT MY SITUATION SO REALLY I JUST NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS ME LIKE A FRIEND EXCEPT OH WAIT I DON’T HAVE ANY OF THOSE WHICH IS WHY I’M INTERNALLY SCREAMING PLS GOD

eyes are the windows to the soul
but my eyes can never meet yours
i’m afraid that you’ll see my soul
and leave

Did you even notice? My eyes never met yours because I was scared of I don’t know what. My mouth couldn’t form words because I was scared of I don’t know what. And so I stayed silent hoping to force you to shut up for a second and let me think and get a word in edgewise, but you just kept going so i gave up and kept my mouth shut. Does silence make you uncomfortable? Why do i even care? I shouldn’t and I’m not sure if i do or if my mind is playing weird tricks on me. And i want to know what you think. Do you think I’m shy and awkward or that I just don’t want to talk to you or that you make me uncomfortable? Only one of those things isn’t true. You make me uncomfortable but I genuinely do want to talk to you, I’m just not sure what to say or how to say it and it’ll have to wait until I get used to you and am able to predict your responses. And by then it’ll probably be too late anyway.

It has now become apparent to me that I’m losing my mind.

I’ve been waiting for you for years and years. I can see you in my mind’s eye, I swear- a vague half-formed idea- and though I haven’t actively sought you out, I grow tired of waiting.

What’s wrong with me? Two weeks ago i spent an entire day obsessing, debating with myself over whether i actually liked you or if i was idealizing you- if i became so convinced that i had to fix myself that i jumped into having a crush on someone i don’t really know and probably don’t even like. Because, i kept wondering, what’s wrong with me that i don’t like anyone? And now i wonder, what’s wrong with me that i can’t even tell if i like you? I’ll be honest, it took me almost 24 hours to decide that i was idealizing you, because i actually never had a conversation with you- because i can’t actually talk to guys- because i feel like i don’t relate to them- or because in fifth grade i decided that because of one boy, all boys were stupid. And all tall people were terrifying. And you’re a boy, and you’re tall, and i’ve never talked to you because i’m painfully awkward and i can’t, and i don’t even know whether or not i like you, and what i’m trying to say is that i’m incredibly confused and i was hoping that i could work through these stupid feelings but all i’ve done is confused myself further.

Fourth grade angry rant time- aka what i would say to a.h.
WHAT THE HELL. Seriously. Why the fuck would you do that to me? Do you know how screwed-up I am because of that? You probably don’t even remember, do you? What happened is that you were an idiot who made me cry. Twice. For LITERALLY NO REASON. I never did anything to you, I had no friends, I might have showed off a little in class but for the most part I kept to myself. And I could have excused you for the first time. I may have been oversensitive, embarrassed that I hit myself- don’t get me wrong, it was definitely your fault, but sure, okay, you may not have predicted that response. And it would have been fine if that were the only time. It would have taken me a while but eventually, yes, I would have gotten over it. But it wasn’t the only time because you FUCKING DID IT AGAIN and you made me cry AGAIN and you don’t care what happened next but I’m going to tell you anyway. What happened was that I decided that guys my age were satan’s spawn and i didn’t want to talk to guys until like last year, like 11th grade. It took me 7 freaking years to even want to talk to guys, and at this point I can no longer really talk to guys my age. I have no guy friends my age which isn’t normal, to say the least. I’m straight but I can’t hold a conversation with a guy and I’m probably never going on a date ever. And you also freaked me out about tall people holding things out of my reach. Seriously i’ve met tall people who are the nicest people ever and i can’t help but be a little freaked out and extra awkward around them. So thanks a lot for all of this social awkwardness. (yes, i’m blaming you. I wouldn’t have these issues in the first place if it weren’t for you, and as far as fixing myself goes? It’s none of your business, but I’m working on it.)

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