6/5- I can’t turn my brain off

I’m lying here in bed, it’s 11:32, and I have to get up at 6:00 tomorrow for school. But my brain just is not shutting off. Normally my remedy for this would be music, but for whatever reason I don’t seem to want to. It’s probably because I stayed up the last two nights and now my schedule is off or whatever, but you’d think my brain would know and I could somehow send a message to myself to STOP THINKING AND GO TO SLEEP.

Now, it probably doesn’t help that I’ve just been doing some logic puzzles and exercising my brain, or that I actually have some homework that I’m still procrastinating on (which would be a good use of this time, but I really don’t want to get out of bed). I really should do it, but I have a lot of free period time tomorrow, so I guess I don’t need to? I’m just being indecesive here but I’ll most likely be doing that once I finish writing this.

I’ve been unbelievably mopey these last few weeks, but to be honest I don’t think anyone saw that, because I kept it all inside and people don’t pay much attention to me anyway. And fair warning, I’m anticipating a lot of moody posts later in the summer, since we’re visiting family in another country (I’ll probably have an entire post about this, but the short list is 1- the only person who speaks the same language there is my immediate family, 2- I’m a pretty healthy eater which makes it hard for me to find food, and 3- I’ll meet relatives whose names and faces I don’t remember because I only see them every couple years, plus the aforementioned language barrier.) So I have a feeling I’ll be pretty fricking miserable.

But that’ll be in a few months. What I’m thinking about now is Relay for Life, which is next weekend. Basically it’s a 24(ish) hour fundraiser where you get in teams and walk around the track and sleep in tents and stuff. It’s supposed to be a fun time, except for the fact that I’m not on a team. It’s all about the team, and I’ll probably just end up sitting in a corner somewhere (I’m not really planning on sleeping.) because I’m an individual participant (aka I have no friends.) (well I mean yes I do have friends but they’re all on this one team and I of course am not) (ok you know those like stereotypical popular kids you always want to join and you do until you don’t know any better? Yeah this is sort of maybe the same situation except they’re nice enough to me and it’s not exactly elitist but they wouldn’t really let me on their team even though I know half the members) (and it’s not like I’m blaming them exactly because the fact is that I don’t know the other half of the team, but it wasn’t a fun feeling to have.) (they’re all in honors/ap everything and I guess I’m just…not. That seems like a silly thing to base it off of, so it could also be that I’m pretty boring and not very much fun.) (now I’m doing that pathetic thing where I analyze what I might have done wrong. Ugh.)

…So that happened. Didn’t exactly mean to write all of that, but it’s out there now. The point is that I’m probably going to be alone for long periods of time and I’ll probably end up being upset about it.

Hey, I think this worked at putting me to sleep at least! That was exhausting-going through all my little feelings and anxieties, but it helped.

~the short awkward one

ps they’re the type of girls who are confident that they are always right. They’re the overachievers, and then there’s me. No wonder.

pps I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO STOP THINKING.

 

 

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6/2-viciously tired

I am so, so ridiculously tired. Of everything, all the big things like college application (ew) and the little things (like how all my friends have better friends than I do). I feel like one of these days I’m going to explode in a flood of tears about all of this. I’m just tired of life, but not in a suicidal way. Although I have had some morbid fantasies about my own death, but those are mainly imagining who outisde my immediate family would miss me. I can’t imagine that there would be many. 3, maybe.

I’m not exaggerating here. It’s really, really difficult for me to make new friends. Take Chemistry class, for instance. It’s been a year and I haven’t made any friends in that class, and since there’s only like 8 days left of school I doubt I’ll make any. So no, I can’t just “make new friends” if I’m feeling lonely.

I thought I had a clear idea for this post but I don’t. Apparently I’m more miserable than I thought.

~the short awkward one