Hey hi hello it’s been awhile…guess what I figured out though-I only used this blog to write when I was sad, angry, or just dissatisfied. So based on that, you know what mood I’m in now.
I’m feeling confused. And the thing is, I shouldn’t be. Life is good, I have someone to sit with sometimes at lunch though I always feel I’m taking her away from her other friends, I haven’t had any major anxiety issues (except for that one little hiccup of time…more on that later) and my friend and I won 2nd place in debate! The beginner’s division, anyway. The people running the tournament messed up and gave us first place certificates, but still. It was a major victory for both of us.
So I have no reason to feel confused, except:
- My friend’s individual score was always higher than my score in every round. I consistently feel like I’m bringing her down, especially in the last round when I only filled half my time. And this is just adding to my basic, everyday insecurity where I constantly feel inadequate. Gah.
- That aforementioned “hiccup” of anxiety. I’m volunteering on an event-planning committee, and there’s this guy there who I used to go to elementary school with and our moms were friends, and I keep wanting to say hi to him except a) my voice is small and he might not hear which might be embarassing, b) he hasn’t shown any sign of wanting to talk to me and we’ve been on this committee for a couple months, and c) I can’t talk to guys. So all of this was running through my head for an hour, making me more mute than I already am.
- My birthday’s in two weeks-ish. And there’s no school on that day. I want to do something with my friends, but not a big and specifically birthday thing. I just want to go shopping or to the park to take pictures. But I haven’t done anything with friends for like the past 3-4 birthdays and I’ve lost touch. Like how many people do I ask to come, just one or more than one, but will it be awkward if they don’t know each other. Also, will anyone want to come? And I don’t really want to tell anyone it’s my birthday, because I very much doubt that anyone will remember, but will that end up being awkward too?
I mean, of course it will be awkward, because hello, it’s me. But like exceptionally awkward versus my garden-variety awkward? That I don’t know and I’m a very confused individual right nos.
- Whatcha Say, by Jason DeRulo. Yeah yeah everyone knows this song. I was just playing it on the piano this afternoon and also I noticed his real name is Jason Desrouleaux. Just thought that was interesting.
- Run, by Nicole Scherzinger. Did I spell that right? Eh. Super pretty ballad. I didn’t listen to her music but I was trying to find another song called Run but this one sounds nice too. (I didn’t watch the video, just put it up because it’s the official one so the sound is bound to be better…)
- Hold You Up, by Shane Harper. Sorta country. Normally I’m not much for country, but I really like the lyrics and the melody’s very catchy, it was stuck in my head all afternoon.
When a song is stuck in your head, does anyone else feel the need to hum along, and then wonder if people around you think you’re nuts?
~the short awkward one