2/24-stuff I hate, part 1

I’m not in a bad mood, actually. I’ll be able to write about this really objectively. This is based on Stuff Jade Hates, from Victorious. Seriously, that show was my obsession for years and years.

  • A.H.- yeah so this is a guy who took my things and made me cry way way back in elementary school and I stopped talking to boys after that (it made sense at the time.) but once I stopped I never actually started again. I feel like this dude probably messed me up in so many more ways, and that’s probably why I still hold a grudge. And literally I don’t hate that many people in particular, I only get annoyed by stuff they do. But this is one of two people that I truly hate, because only a despicable person would do that to an innocent 10 year old.
  • My English class- okay I’ve ranted about this class like 3 times and it’s pretty much only going downhill. I don’t necessarily hate my teacher but I hate the way he teaches and grades. It’s come to the point where I look forward to having substitute teachers. When you only give us one question as a quiz, of course we aren’t going to know the answer because we can’t take the textbook home to read. And when we read in class, you stop every two sentences to talk about your friends and it has nothing at all to do with the book, so obviously we’re not going to retain anything. We’ve had one essay that we turned in in October and you still haven’t given it back or even read it for all I know.
  • People who stop in the middle of the hallway to talk-don’t do it. Just no.

Yeah okay so there’s a lot more but this is a large enough chunk of text…

  • FOOLS, by Troye Sivan. What can I say that I haven’t already? I mean, his music is pretty much perfect.
  • Defyin Gravity, from Wicked. I’ve always really admired people with Broadway voices, they’re so powerful and have impressive range. Well this is one of the songs meant for those voices, but I love the lyrics as well. Kiss me goodbye//I’m defying gravity. 

  • Hide and Seek, by Imogen Heap. I’ve been obsessed with this song for weeks now. Her voice is super airy and out of this world, and the lyrics are interesting. They seem like a bunch of random words strung together but they definitely have a meaning.

~the short awkward one


2/22- I’m back, for real this time

Hey hi hello it’s been awhile…guess what I figured out though-I only used this blog to write when I was sad, angry, or just dissatisfied. So based on that, you know what mood I’m in now.

I’m feeling confused. And the thing is, I shouldn’t be. Life is good, I have someone to sit with sometimes at lunch though I always feel I’m taking her away from her other friends, I haven’t had any major anxiety issues (except for that one little hiccup of time…more on that later) and my friend and I won 2nd place in debate! The beginner’s division, anyway. The people running the tournament messed up and gave us first place certificates, but still. It was a major victory for both of us.

So I have no reason to feel confused, except:

  1. My friend’s individual score was always higher than my score in every round. I consistently feel like I’m bringing her down, especially in the last round when I only filled half my time. And this is just adding to my basic, everyday insecurity where I constantly feel inadequate. Gah.
  2. That aforementioned “hiccup” of anxiety. I’m volunteering on an event-planning committee, and there’s this guy there who I used to go to elementary school with and our moms were friends, and I keep wanting to say hi to him except a) my voice is small and he might not hear which might be embarassing, b) he hasn’t shown any sign of wanting to talk to me and we’ve been on this committee for a couple months, and c) I can’t talk to guys. So all of this was running through my head for an hour, making me more mute than I already am.
  3.  My birthday’s in two weeks-ish. And there’s no school on that day. I want to do something with my friends, but not a big and specifically birthday thing. I just want to go shopping or to the park to take pictures. But I haven’t done anything with friends for like the past 3-4 birthdays and I’ve lost touch. Like how many people do I ask to come, just one or more than one, but will it be awkward if they don’t know each other. Also, will anyone want to come? And I don’t really want to tell anyone it’s my birthday, because I very much doubt that anyone will remember, but will that end up being awkward too?

I mean, of course it will be awkward, because hello, it’s me. But like exceptionally awkward versus my garden-variety awkward? That I don’t know and I’m a very confused individual right nos.

  • Whatcha Say, by Jason DeRulo. Yeah yeah everyone knows this song. I was just playing it on the piano this afternoon and also I noticed his real name is Jason Desrouleaux. Just thought that was interesting.
  • Run, by Nicole Scherzinger. Did I spell that right? Eh. Super pretty ballad. I didn’t listen to her music but I was trying to find another song called Run but this one sounds nice too. (I didn’t watch the video, just put it up because it’s the official one so the sound is bound to be better…)

  • Hold You Up, by Shane Harper. Sorta country. Normally I’m not much for country, but I really like the lyrics and the melody’s very catchy, it was stuck in my head all afternoon.

When a song is stuck in your head, does anyone else feel the need to hum along, and then wonder if people around you think you’re nuts?

~the short awkward one

2/16- hi, it’s been a while

I haven’t posted in a week which I think is the longest period since I started this blog. But I’m alive, just sort of busy. Here’s a brief recap of what happened since my last post:

  • We had midwinter break! No school yay
  • My friend and I had to prep for a debate tournament, so we researched on Thursday and then went to the tournament on Friday and Saturday. It was fun but exhausting, we were on a giant college campus and we had to walk to a whole bucnh of different buildings and try not to get lost. There was a lot of wait time and it was badly organized, but the good news is that I was able to take lots of pretty pictures and spend time with my friend. We’re going to another smaller tournament this weekend.
  • Then Sunday and Monday I basically recuperated from being out of the house for 15 hours each day and I just sat in my pjs and watched TV and ate junk food.
  • I also got my braces off on Monday! But now I have this bulky retainer in my mouth. Is there no end to the orthodontia?
  • Procrastinated doing my homework until this morning and had to scramble to get it done. Also, I’m procrastinating right now 🙂

I’m still listening to music I already know mostly, but I’m making new playlists! These are all from my “road trips” playlist  (they just sound like a stereotypical road trip soundtrack):

  • Follow You, by Cheat Codes. I think this was from a cute Youtube video, maybe Griffin Arnlund? Super road-trip-sounding to me, I really like it.

  • I Lived, by OneRepublic. To be honest like half this playlist is OneRepublic lol
  • On Top Of The World, by Imagine Dragons. Super happy and catchy and it really fits the vibe of the playlist.

~the short awkward one (who will try her very best to post more)


2/8- what you don’t know

I may seem fine when you look at me (other than being completely silent) but what you don’t know is that for hours after every awkward encounter, I analyze it over and over in my head and it just keeps spinning in a continual loop, usually accompanied by whatever song is stuck in my head even if it doesn’t fit the situation at all.

And then I stress about it and how it will affect the way you talk to me tomorrow.

Imagine liking someone, the way you take in every little detail of what they do, the way the act, the words they say, the subtle differences (that you might be imagining) in how they react to you.

Now picture going through that with every person you interact with. You don’t even like them and you don’t want to care how they see you but you do and you hate that.

It’s exhausting.

Is this what anxiety is? If so, I have it.

So that’s what you don’t know, okay?

  • Daydreamin’, by Ariana Grande. Listened to this yesterday, got it stuck in my head today, had nothing to do with my mood today, but I do love this song. It’s very lovey and cute.
  • Sweater Weather, by The Neighborhood. Wow okay so this song is what I would consider “old” and honestly it just randomly got in my head I didn’t even listen to it or anything…
  • Those Magic Changes (cover), by Jordan Fisher (on Grease Live). I recorded this show a while ago but I only got around to watching part of it today and this song was my absolute favorite part.

I’ve been so lazy, I have tons of new music to listen to and put into playlists but lately I’ve just been listening to songs I know… I’ll get around to it sometime.

~the short awkward one

2/5- no school, 2/7- my space


Today my school was closed because there was a picture going around of writing on a whiteboard that had a threatening message. It went something like, “Don’t come to school on 2/5 if you like your life. I’m sorry F” which is the vaguest and probably fakest message ever because where I live there’s not that many dangerous/insane people, it’s all suburbs and schools and grocery stores and parks. But they closed school anyway just to be cautious, so I’m still in my pajamas and I just watched 4 hours straight of TV.

I still need to study for some tests on Monday, for the ACT tomorrow, edit photos for class, write an essay, and research for a debate tournament…but I always do stuff at the last minute and usually I can get it done.


It’s Chinese New Year’s Eve and my aunt came over and started Facetiming with the family we have in Malaysia and apparently she was giving a tour to one of the cousins so she walked upstairs with the tablet while I was eating dessert at the table and she went in my room. She fucking went in my room like did you have my permission? No way in hell. My room is my space and I barely tolerate my parents in there and even my brother knows enough not to go in. Do I need to put up a sign? DO NOT GO INTO MY FUCKING ROOM. And while you’re at it, don’t sit in my chair either because there is no reason why you can’t sit on one of the wider chairs. I’m like Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory- my space is my space. You’re not welcome in it unless I say you are.

  • So What, by P!nk. Angry song, good fit.
  • Monsters, by Ruelle. Watched two hours straight of the Shadowhunters TV series yesterday, this was my favorite song there.


~the short awkward one


2/3- invisibility and positivity

Invisibility- two of my teachers literally looked over my head today. One apparently didn’t see me and didn’t give me a handout, and the other marked me absent because she couldn’t see me over my computer monitor. Oh, the joys of being short.

I know I don’t go out of my way to be seen and I’m not super exciting or anything, but I mean, I’m there. I exist. And I’m pretty sure I’m visible. So what’s with people just not seeing me?

positivity- new thing, I’m going to try and say a good part of each day when I’m ranting, venting, being negative, you name it. So this weekend I got a new phone and downloaded the Amazon Music app, so I have a better way to listen to music now.

  • Keep Holding On, by Avril Lavigne. Amazing voice, amazing lyrics. You’re not alone//together we stand//I’ll be by your side you know I’ll take your hand.

  • Can’t Sleep Love, by Pentatonix. Super catchy, kind of old-school. It’s amazing how they do all that with just their voices.
  • Daisy, by Zedd. Listened to this pretty much every day over the summer, not quite sure when or why I stopped. Possibly my favorite song on his album True Colors.

~the short awkward (and apparently invisible) one