I just saw this post by @ fallinginsociety on instagram (their posts are very relatable) and I just wanted to say that I don’t write about the anxiety I might have for people’s attention or to make me feel special. I write about it because I’m confused. I don’t officially know whether or not my anxiety is serious mental illness or just me being scared of a lot of little things. But writing it down helps me make more sense of it.
Like today, when my ignorant English teacher announced that we’re going to have quite a few graded discussions and “those of you who are quiet need to speak up”- this said with a pointed look at me in particular. I think I tried to smile politely, but inside I was freaking out because I hate raising my hand, and also kind of irritated that he would subtly call me out.
I’ve posted this screenshot before but I’m just going to put it here again, because this is how I feel- forced discussion is cruel and unusual punishment. Don’t give me an F for not participating in your stupid discussion that doesn’t relate to the material and that you’re not even paying attention to. I would gladly write you an essay or five to get out of this bullshit. I pay attention, but I’m an introvert who doesn’t like to talk. I’m a good student and I’m going to talk to try and get a good grade, but you know what will happen while, I’m talking, right after I finish, after class, or when I go home, or when I try to fall asleep? I’m going to replay that situation in my head a couple thousand times and my throat will close up and my eyes will water and my hands and knees will shake simply because of your discussion. Even thinking about this makes me want to choke.
- Safe With Me, by Megan Nicole. I’ve been listening to her forever, she’s my music version of comfort food. She’s my comfort music.
- Shake It Out, by Florence + The Machine. I heard a choir cover this on TV recently and they reminded me how good this song is.
~the short awkward one