12/12- anxiety part 4

Officially, I don’t have an anxiety diagnosis. But according to quizzes on that reliable source called the internet, it is a “very high possibility” that I have a “moderate level” of social anxiety. One question I wasn’t sure about wasn’t sure about was, “Do you get panic attacks?” My friend has told me that she does sometimes get these, but I’ve never asked her what they feel like. Thanks to Google, I’m pretty sure I have them, when my heart is pounding and my hands are still shaking afterward and I think everyone’s watching me and I feel like I’m about to cry and I just want to leave. So I hide behind my hair and no one can see my face, and I’ll always choose to sit near the back or the side or in a corner of the room so I can see everyone else but no one can see me. I hate raising my hand or calling attention to myself or doing anything in front of a group of other people. I always feel that someone is silently judging me and I can’t deal with that.

I really want to know what other people think of me, honestly. I want to know if people are actually watching me sometimes and what they think, so I can figure out if my fear is justified or if I’m just being stupid and paranoid. Essentially, I want to know if I’m constantly beating myself up over nothing.

  • The Scientist, (cover) by Holly Henry. I heard this on The Voice a couple seasons ago. I love the lyrics, but her voice is literally amazing and I’d kill for that voice. Those light and airy voices are my favorites.

  • Medicine, by Daughter. (I heard it on Red Band Society, that show had the best music.) It’s got gorgeous lyrics and the girl has a gorgeous voice. I love listening to this when I’m sad or sleepy.
  • All I Want, by Kodaline. All I want is//and all I need is//to find somebody. I might need a little more than that, to be honest, like maybe a new, less socially anxious personality. But I do think that having one person to talk to about this might be nice.

~the short awkward one

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