12/30-countdown part 2

Continuation of my countdown of my favorite artists, albums and songs of 2015-

Artists

  • Ryn Weaver. Her song OctaHate is one of my favorites.
  • The Girl and the Dreamcatcher, the new band formed by Dove Cameron and Ryan McCartan. Yes, they’re pretty small right now, but they’re ridiculously cute and they have very nice harmonies.

Albums

  • Title, by Meghan Trainor. I didn’t actually listen to the whole thing when it came out, but I’ve gradually listened to all the songs and I love her retro style.
  • Delirium, by Ellie Goulding. I’m in love with her voice.
  • Purpose, by Justin Bieber. I’m pretty sure the main reason this is so much better than his other albums is that Ed Sheeran worked on it. I like it and the songs are catchy, but on principle I hate that I like it.
  • Revival, by Selena Gomez. I think she’s improved a lot as well, and her lyrics and melodies on this album are very nice. Her voice on some of her other albums was whiny and annoying, but here it’s definitely become lighter and more airy.
  • Handwritten, by Shawn Mendes. Such nice lyrics.

Songs

  • Fight Song, by Rachel Platten
  • Focus, by Ariana Grande
  • Lay It All On Me, by Rudimental ft. Ed Sheeran
  • Stressed Out, by Twenty One Pilots
  • Flashlight, by Jessie J
  • Worth It, by Fifth Harmony ft. Kid Ink.

~the short awkward one

12/29-countdown

So the year is almost over and I’m going to try to post more often even if I can just put some songs up. I’m starting a sort of countdown here of my favorite albums, newly discovered artists and songs of 2015. I know it’s a bit late but oh well.

New Artists

  • Hailee Steinfeld- I’m in love with her EP and I really hope she makes a new album next year!
  • Alessia Cara- amazing lyrics and an even better voice, she’s got amazing talent and I can’t wait to see what she does next.

Albums

  • Badlands, by Halsey. This album has so many good songs on it and she’s really unbelievable, to have gone from being homeless at one point to selling out full concerts!
  • Blue Neighbourhood, by Troye Sivan. When it came out I wrote an entire post gushing about it while I listened to every single song, and that should tell you how I feel about it.

Songs/Singles- (they’re going to overlap albums and artists, these are just the songs that I particularly like.)

  • I Know What You Did Last Summer, by Shawn Mendes ft. Camila Cabello
  • Here, by Alessia Cara
  • Youth, by Troye Sivan
  • How I Want Ya, by Hudson Thames ft. Hailee Steinfeld
  • Love Myself, by Hailee Steinfeld
  • Golden, by Travie McCoy ft. Sia
  • Stitches, by Shawn Mendes

So that up there was basically me dumping out all of my favorite music made in 2015 and I have much much more but I’ll save them for the next few days! I haven’t even touched Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Skylar Grey, Ellie Goulding… >.< oh dear.

~the short awkward one

12/26- more ranting

I know I shouldn’t be ranting. All I do here is rant and/or drown in self pity. I just had a very nice Christmas with my family and I received some very nice headphones, and then today I spent a bunch of gift cards, which should make any ordinary person happy.

But while I was spending those gift cards, I saw a girl who I used to be friends with in middle school, and she’s the first person who friend-dumped me. So I had no clue what was going on and naive little seventh grader that I was, I just wanted to know why she didn’t like me anymore. (after that I wasn’t as naive. And after that I started thinking realistically. As in, “There’s no realistic way that you could ever be friends with that person. Just don’t talk to them.”) Looking back, it may have been that I was too clingy and eager to please. (Haven’t learned from my mistakes-I’m still like that.) Or maybe she internally knew that she would end up being pretty and popular and needed to make friends with prettier, less weird people.

Anyway, it just ended up being kind of awkward and now we go to the same high school and she hasn’t acknowledged my existence since the first semester of ninth grade. And that’s not necessarily the part that bothers me. The part that bothers me is that today I went around a corner in the store and I saw her in line to pay- and she looked at me- and this look was just disinterest mixed with disdain. She couldn’t even force a smile because God forbid I smile back and go over there to talk to you. You wouldn’t want anyone to see the unpopular little nobody talking to you. (Which I had no intention of doing. That would be miles beyond awkward, and I’d have a panic attack.) I don’t understand why she had to give me that look. Here’s my (internal) message to her: “Why the hell would you give me that look okay seriously you already succeeded in making sure we would never be friends and you don’t have to be mean about it years later because I sure as hell never did anything to you so cut it out” (this said in my head while I broke eye contact and ducked back around the corner.)

And I hate how I’ve reacted this much to one mean look even though I shouldn’t care anymore. Ugh I’m stupid.

And there’s no songs that fit this either, because they’re all about romantic relationships and that totally doesn’t fit. So just take out the romance aspect and you should be good.

  • Bad Blood, by Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar. To the loyal little puppy that was seventh grade me, I can say that I felt a tiny bit backstabbed. How I wish I had an amazing girl squad that would just blow everything up.

  • Problem, by Ariana Grande ft. Iggy Azalea. By not being friends with a mean girl, I got one less problem without ya.
  • Popular Song, by Ariana Grande ft. MIKA. Can this happen, please? Ariana Grande just gets this. I think she said she was bullied growing up, which is definitely more serious than this, but it would explain how her lyrics fit perfectly.

Yeah okay random rant but I don’t like this girl and how she triggers me feeling sad and inadequate so I just thought I’d safely rant about it and get it out of my system.

~the short awkward one

 

 

12/22-friendship

maybe I was a little more broken than you thought I was and I knew you were going to leave so I started leaving first so that I would hurt less when you finally saw how messed up I was and then we were on two sides of an invisible line pulling back from each other until suddenly we weren’t friends anymore

  • Halo, by Beyoncé. Remember those walls I built//well baby they’re tumbling down. Those walls stay up until I’m good and sure that you’re not going to leave like everyone else.

  • Girl On Fire, by Alicia Keys ft. Nicki Minaj. This is one of those songs that was way overplayed and everyone got sick of it. Songs like this are why I try not to listen to the radio except in the car. Once you make it a few years past the “overplayed” phase, you can appreciate the song more without hearing it every 5 minutes.
  • Don’t Forget, by Demi Lovato. Did you forget that I was even alive? I don’t see how this can happen in the span of a week. You feel like you know everything about a person and vice versa and then they seem to do a total 180 and pretend you never existed, for no apparent reason.

Just to be clear, I’m only talking about friendships here. It may apply to love lives-I have no idea since I don’t have one- but this is only about my terrible friend choices in the past. Not all friends are like this. I have some friends who are good people, they all just have better friends who they would rather spend time with, so even though they’re “friends,” I still feel left alone a lot.

Sorry I’m not posting as much, it’s winter break and I’m lazy and there’s nothing for me to procrastinate on by blogging.

~the short awkward one

 

12/19-why bother

(I’ve been lazy and haven’t posted 🙃 but I’ve had this post in my head for a while, I just needed to write it.)

Why should I speak, when it’s almost always immediately followed by some negative comment or criticism of the words I used or the way I explained things or even the volume of my voice? “Speak up, I can’t hear you.” “Someone already said that, don’t be repetitive.” “What? I don’t get it. Explain it differently.” “That’s not even funny.” “We’ve moved on from that subject, pay attention.”

And I know what anyone else would say to this, of course- “Haters gonna hate. Just ignore them, it’ll be fine.” But what if these comments come from people you’re supposed to trust? Your parents, friends, family, teachers, people who you’re supposed to be able to count on?

So why should I bother speaking to them? They’re always going to find something to complain about anyway. Even if I don’t speak, it’s always, “You’re too quiet.” “Keep your hair out of your eyes.” Why should I speak when it’s just another thing to criticize?

I don’t want people to coddle me and fawn over everything I say. Of course not. I just want people to understand the validity of my words and actually respond instead of picking at the flaws.

So I’m going to try and surround myself with people who do just that, and those are the few people I call friends.

And also music, it’s a cure-all.

  • Wish You Were Here, by Avril Lavigne. I just love this song and the lyrics and her voice, which is super unique.
  • Take A Look At Me Now, by Greyson Chance. I’m putting down my defenses//these wings are gonna take me off the ground. He’s also unique, because this song is from when he was younger, and I don’t think there’s a lot of young artists who come out with amazing albums like this. (unfortunately there isn’t an official video, so I had to make do.)

  • Really Don’t Care, by Demi Lovato. Maybe if I listen to this song enough, the message will sink into my brain.

~the short awkward one

 

12/14-rant

This is a rant about my English teacher because he’s an uncultured jerk who loves the sound of his own voice. If you want to skip to the music, head to the bottom of this post, because this is going to be long.

  1. He has pretty much no regard for other people’s cultures. You’d think that being an English teacher would make him more cultured, right? Nope, wrong. Even though my school is pretty racially diverse and he’s worked there for a long time, apparently he’s never even heard of the Day of the Dead. Seriously. I understand that you’re a red-blooded American who plays baseball and drives a pickup, but that’s no reason to be ignorant.
  2. He whistles to get our attention in class. Newsflash: we are not dogs.
  3. His curriculum is pointless. Yes, we read the same books as the other classes, but at a much slower pace and with less actual content. Because after reading a page, he’ll start rambling about some topic that only barely connects to the book. Then he lets other people get a sentence in before going on another 5 minute speech. I despise teachers who waste my time every single day. All the activities we do in that class are completely pointless, and I could do everything we’ve done so far in two weeks, max.
  4. His stupid “class discussions” are also useless. He’ll call on people, but he’s not really listening because immediately after, he restates what they said but in a much longer manner. And then he forgets what they say entirely. We spent an entire class period on a discussion that had nothing to do with the book we were reading.
  5. He’s an insensitive jerk. He made us write about adversity, and then started talking about how one year he made everyone read theirs out loud and a lot of people cried. He didn’t do that this year, but he singled out one person and blatantly starting talking about what they had privately written, about their parents’ divorce and other sensitive subjects.
  6. More insensitivity- for my little adversity paragraph I wrote about my “aversion to public speaking,” aka introverted awkwardness. He read it and scored it and gave it back. Well, he was scoring that discussion I mentioned before, so being the good student I am I tried to participate. Then he said,” That’s already been said, but I’ll accept it.” Damn right you’ll accept it! Wtf I explicitly wrote, I don’t like public speaking and I make an effort and you just steamroller it and on top of that you still give me an F. So next time, I’ll take the zero. I’m a good student and I pay attention and give good effort and that shouldn’t be decided on whether or not I can talk in front of people. It’s an English class, not a public speaking class.

There’s a hell of a lot more where that came from, but the short message? Fuck you, Mr. English teacher.

  • Sorry, by Jessie J ft. Rixton and Jhené Aiko. I got something to say, attention please. Well. Something to write, at any rate.
  • Painkiller, by Jason DeRulo ft. Meghan Trainor. I love this song, most of their individual songs are usually upbeat but this one has an edginess.

  • A Different Beat, by Little Mix. I’m sick of being told//what’s wrong or right. This song is very upbeat and it’s a little strange given my current mood, but somehow it works.

~the short awkward one

 

12/12- anxiety part 4

Officially, I don’t have an anxiety diagnosis. But according to quizzes on that reliable source called the internet, it is a “very high possibility” that I have a “moderate level” of social anxiety. One question I wasn’t sure about wasn’t sure about was, “Do you get panic attacks?” My friend has told me that she does sometimes get these, but I’ve never asked her what they feel like. Thanks to Google, I’m pretty sure I have them, when my heart is pounding and my hands are still shaking afterward and I think everyone’s watching me and I feel like I’m about to cry and I just want to leave. So I hide behind my hair and no one can see my face, and I’ll always choose to sit near the back or the side or in a corner of the room so I can see everyone else but no one can see me. I hate raising my hand or calling attention to myself or doing anything in front of a group of other people. I always feel that someone is silently judging me and I can’t deal with that.

I really want to know what other people think of me, honestly. I want to know if people are actually watching me sometimes and what they think, so I can figure out if my fear is justified or if I’m just being stupid and paranoid. Essentially, I want to know if I’m constantly beating myself up over nothing.

  • The Scientist, (cover) by Holly Henry. I heard this on The Voice a couple seasons ago. I love the lyrics, but her voice is literally amazing and I’d kill for that voice. Those light and airy voices are my favorites.

  • Medicine, by Daughter. (I heard it on Red Band Society, that show had the best music.) It’s got gorgeous lyrics and the girl has a gorgeous voice. I love listening to this when I’m sad or sleepy.
  • All I Want, by Kodaline. All I want is//and all I need is//to find somebody. I might need a little more than that, to be honest, like maybe a new, less socially anxious personality. But I do think that having one person to talk to about this might be nice.

~the short awkward one

12/11- I want this.

Something I want more than anything is to just be close enough with someone, that one day I can share a pair of earbuds with them. Because there’s something special about listening to the same song at the exact same time, connected by one little wire. Better yet, spend a whole lazy afternoon like that, sitting on a couch and playing one song after another and showing them your favorites, and neither of you wants to leave. I want this so badly, and I want to have someone to share this with even more.

  • Tee Shirt, by Birdy. This is from TFIOS soundtrack, which has so many good songs on it. I love this song because it’s peaceful and calm and quiet and perfect to listen to right after I wake up.

  • Everything Has Changed, by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran. Has there ever been a more perfect combination? They have great harmonies and lyrics. I’m pretty sure almost everyone has heard this.
  • I’m With You, by Avril Lavigne. Isn’t anyone trying to find me//won’t somebody come take me home? Also kind of a clamer love song with a little bit of sad, and oddly enough a little bit of adventure as well.

~the short awkward one

12/10- Life is okay.

No matter how much I bitch and moan about how my life sucks or I whine about my anxiety or complain about stupid stuff that I and other people do, I know that life’s great. I know that there’s good things happening every day. But I’m not an optimist. There’s a crap ton of bad things going on in the world. That being said, I’m not a pessimist either. I like to think of myself as a realist. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows, but every now and then I see people doing small acts of kindness and that somewhat restores my faith in humanity. So yes, even though my life right now isn’t the peachiest, there are things that happen to make me smile. (I mean, music is the big one here, obviously.)

  • Smile, by Mikky Ekko. Smile, the worst is yet to come/we’ll be lucky if we ever see the sun. The lyrics contrast the cheerier tone of the song, whcih I find really cool. Also, I’m really proud of myself for finding this song before it was put on the Paper Towns soundtrack.
  • High, by Young Rising Suns. This is another upbeat one. Just let it go enjoy the ride/ without the low there ain’t a high. I was literally listening to this all summer because it just seems summery for some reason.
  • OctaHate, by Ryn Weaver. I actually found this in the background of a Youtube video, and it’s quickly become a favorite, Lost in the cracks of the landslide/you saw me slipping on my blind side. This one seems upbeat at first, but if you pay attention to the lyrics they’re actually kind of sad sounding.

~the short awkward one

12/9-growing up

When I was little, all I wanted to do was get older- be big and tall and confident and glamorous. None of that happened. Instead I stayed short, insecure and awkward with an added bonus of social anxiety. I wish I could go back in time to when life was simpler and I wasn’t as tired and I smiled a lot more. I didn’t overthink things, I didn’t feel lonely, I didn’t have a care in the world. Obliviousness is happiness. Now I see the real world and what an intimidating place it can be and I just want to curl up into a ball and pretend I’m 9 again and my biggest worry was that I would run out of books to read. I have so many worries now- if I’m ever going to have friends, where I’m going to college, what I need to do in order to get there.

So basically growing up sucks, we don’t realize that until it’s too late, and it doesn’t make a difference because you can’t stop time. I want to force the world to stop spinning for a little while and let me catch up because it’s going too fast.

At times like this when my brain is overloading with depressing thoughts and I can’t sleep, music is my escape.

  • Give Me Love, by Ed Sheeran. I’ve been listening to this for years and years and it’s just perfect. Ed Sheeran can do no wrong. Give me love like her/’cause lately I’ve been waking up alone.
  • The Parting Glass (hidden track), by Ed Sheeran. This is the song that’s hidden behind Give Me Love. I believe it’s an older Irish song, but his cover of it is so nice and soothing and makes me kind of sleepy but in a good way.
  • Waiting Outside the Lines, by Greyson Chance. Again, a longtime favorite. My friends were obsessed with him when we were in middle school and they were the ones to introduce me. His voice was amazingly clear back then, and this was before his voice changed. He made more music after his voice changed and it became so deep and baritone, I couldn’t believe it was the same guy. (I don’t spend a lot of time with guys so I haven’t really seen this dramatic voice change firsthand. I was really suprised when my friend told me that yes, by the time they’re juniors most guys shave.)

^that went on a really random tangent. But yeah I’ve loved these songs forever and you should give them a listen.

~the short awkward one